Fear

Fear sucks. When no matter what you do it's never good enough. No matter where you go, you are disliked. Or people look at you and judge. They discriminate against you. The same people that cry fair for all and whine when people dont agree with them, those people discriminate against me. 

Then you have medical conditions people dont understand so you get discriminated for that as well. People say, oh grow up, just go do it. Well it's not just that fucking easy. No matter where you go, no one will hire you. Because you are a bit quirky they assume things about you. Or that you stayed single all these years. They just dont understand that when you've lost all hope that there is no point in it. 

While Facebook was great for most, all it did for me was show me how much people hate me. People from my past that I thought I'd reconnect with, all high and mighty now. I wouldn't want to go hanging out with them anyways, just thought it would be nice to see what people are up to, but that backfired, like everything else. Am I an asshole?, of course I can be but I dont mean to be. It must be that I'm just too stupid to realise how stupid I really am. 

Am I Autistic? I really dont know but it is starting to feel like I might be. I mean I'm obviously not autistic that I know but sometimes I wonder why I did so horrible in school growing up? I couldn't pay attention to anything and no one would help me. My teachers, just about all of them, told me what path I was going down since a very young age and sure enough, that's the path I went down. Now , I'm not dead yet , so I made it to middle age, well most people's middle age, but I cant see my body lasting much longer. Am I having a mid-life crisis, maybe a rude awakening. 

Then I have siblings that live with me that do less than I do. One of them is extremely smart, the other is smarter than me for sure, and I know she can make a living because she lived in another state for 10 years until I stupidly brought her back to this tarpit town of ours. 

What do I do? What can I do? Why will no one give me an opportunity? Maybe it's because of my massive failures in the past. Maybe I just wasnt meant to do anything. The only good thing I've ever done is my daughter. But even now she is taking a turn on her path lately. I was extremely loving to her but I know I disappointed her more than I could possibly ever repair. I thought Love would be enough. She got to live in a decent house, go to some excellent schools, had her dad with her 24/7, but not so much her mother. I do something she doesnt seem to like but I'm here aren't I? Sometimes it has felt like even though I am here, I dont feel like I am. Her mom, well that's another story. Her mom is beautiful and intelligent, she just has serious issues that she doesnt seem like she will ever fix. But why do I feel she and her mom will end up reconnecting. Why wasnt I enough. Do you know how much that hurts to know that even with your own child, you're not good enough, you're not enough. I'm a failure, and I'll probably be homeless one day because I'm too stupid to take of myself. I try to put on a pretty face and smile, well without showing my teeth, another reason I dont smile much anymore, another reason I'm scared to go in public for long periods of time. 

Oh, and then I have medical conditions, yeah they are nothing compared to some people, no doubt, but I dont even know where to start to get help with that. And as soon as I go get on surgery, they will kill me. I know they will because I'm useless and a waste of oxygen. 

I think I understand why these elites want a lot of us dead. We are a waste of space on this earth and we bring nothing to humanity, even though most of us would love a chance at it, but people are so mean even though they think they aren't, it's clearly come out and shown how mean people are these last few years. People wishing death on people who like Trump. Or even more stupid, if you dont like the democrats then you MUST be a Trump fan. Not the case. But all the hatred coming from my democrat acquaintances,  how can you side with that? The SAME EXACT PEOPLE that were all about peace and love, are now all about hate, and not just hate but blind hate. 

With that said, what's the point anymore? I have thousands of dollars worth of stuff I've collected over the years. All for naught. Now it's just piles of junk. My mother calls it all junk. Oh yeah, she's another story. She is nice to me when she wants something from me but when I go to eat, she makes sure I only get my share, but when someone eats my share,its too bad for me. Or when I go to make coffee she will add water and have me drink watered down coffee while they get full brew. No this doesnt happen all the time but pretty often. Then she bitches about my hiding food in my room that I paid for. That's because if I dont, the younger siblings eat it knowing it's not theirs. 

What a life. I was born for failure and there is no one to sincerely help me succeed or even take the right steps in that direction. People try and say oh, if you want it bad enough you will get it. Well it's not that easy, nor that simple. I know, it's not easy nor simple, it's hard work, but that's not what I mean. I think I'm just too smart looking to be stupid but I'm too stupid to be smart. I'm starting to hope they all get what they wish for. The American people that is. And I hope those elites get what they deserve. I just know that my life has been a waste and if it weren't for my daughter, I'd probably be dead already. When mom dies everyone will probably scatter. My brother is probably already trying to move far away from us like usual. He has been mooching off us for the last 6 months. He went through some personal issues that I could understand why he didnt have a job for a while. But that went from a couple of months to now just over 6 or 7. And instead of getting a job to help mom, he is just gonna take off again. When I die I dont want anyone to find my body. I dont want a funeral or anything. No need to remember me. No one will care. I'll just be another forgotten name like the majority of us. 

Sincerely 

CinderKossa